Madison Beer recalled some of the darkest experiences of her life during her recent appearance on the Call Her Daddy podcast, from the nude photos and video leaks to contemplating suicide.
The “Showed Me (How I Fell In Love With You)” singer was only 15 years old when she found out that a nude video of her leaked and was quickly spreading online. She said finding out about the ordeal was “unfortunately a memory” she’ll “never be able to shake.” She added that the episode has remained with her all these years later.
“It’s remained, so vividly to the point where I still, to this day, if I get a call in the middle of the night, I’m 15 again,” she said. “And I’m in my room and I’m finding out that this video is out there and it’s really scary.”
Beer said she is probably around 14 or 13 in some of the videos that exists. She explained that, as a young girl, there was a boy she liked from back home but was traveling to and from Los Angeles. Amid all the back-and-forth traveling, Beer says it’s when she started sending these videos of herself to the boy, whom she suspected was using an app to record the Snapchat videos she was sending him.
“I just didn’t think the person I was sending this stuff to would remotely ever think to do something like that because this was someone I’d known my whole life,” she said. “I was wrong.”
Beer, whose cover of Etta James’ classic, “At Last,” got Justin Biebers’ attention on YouTube in 2012, says she soon went into crisis mode and sought to do damage control.
“And I knew in my bones that the second it was texted to me, it would end up on the internet, unfortunately, and I knew I couldn’t run from that fact,” she said.
Meanwhile, soon after finding out there was also a nude photo that had leaked, she got a call from a friend saying there was another nude video circulating on social media. Beer says she reached out to the person who posted the video and “begged them” to delete it. Instead, Beer says the person blocked her on Twitter.
Beer also spoke about experiencing sexual abuse when she was around six or seven years old by someone she says was around her frequently. She doesn’t mention who or the nature of the relationship, but the traumatic experience — coupled with the ordeal of dealing with nude photos and videos leaking online — led Beer to an even darker place.
She said that the summer of 2019 was when she finally started to grapple with the traumatic experiences in her younger life, and it all just finally caught up with her. She said she had so many thoughts crossing her mind and it was all too much.
“I started self-harming again, which I’ve been clean for a while,” she said.
Beer added that she felt as though the world would rather see her be dead.
“And so I did attempt twice and I’m really grateful that I was obviously unsuccessful, but I think people need to understand that it’s really serious and not something to joke about,” she shared. “My life was almost over. I almost died. I almost was dead because of all of this. And it’s a lot to comprehend. It’s a lot for me to think about. It’s a lot for me to accept that people made me feel that way. People kicked me while I was down and just did not give a f**k.”
Beer said she was 16 the first time she tried to take her own life. She says as much in her upcoming memoir, The Half of It, which hits bookstores April 25. In an excerpt obtained by People, the singer recalls in the book standing on her balcony and considered jumping off.
“I climbed over the edge of my balcony in LA and stood there, a million thoughts running through my head as I stared down at the ground, my eyes going in and out of focus,” she writes. “I don’t think I would have jumped. It was more about knowing that I could — that I had a way out if it became too much. Still, I lingered there for a long while, chilled by the fact that I wasn’t all that scared of being up so high.”
“My little brother found me and screamed for my parents, and as I climbed back over, listening to them all freak out,” she continues. “I was only confused why they were making such a big deal out of it. The thought of killing myself was so normal to me at that point that I had forgotten it wasn’t something everyone pondered on a daily basis.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.